My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
You Might Also Like
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy