Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Would you wear it?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”