Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
When I snag the last meatball.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now