I need better friends
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Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
bad news gang
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
They got a point!
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*