I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
girls literally only want one thing..
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.