BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
SPLOOT
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.