5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.