Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.