The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Florida be like…
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.