My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests