To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Most fashion shows these days…
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Is this you?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge