I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
anyone else like Italian cereal
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.