I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Guys, I found it.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy