Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
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Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.