They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..