ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
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Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My work here is done
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Autocorrect completely socks
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”