You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult