My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
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There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”