Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Inside you there are two wolves
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Barbie gone wild
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.