Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
#catsoftwitter
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.