Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
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PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
new career option?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him