A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
12. I think about this all the damn time
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Sing it!
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times