I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.