99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
absolutely not
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries