I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
You Might Also Like
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
This is painfully accurate 😅
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.