Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.