Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.