Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean