[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd