What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!