I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
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If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it