Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
You Might Also Like
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year