Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The internet is full of many things
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.