Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.