Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Oh my god
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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