Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
When news reporters do sports stories
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here