SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music