I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.