Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Me trying to “trust the process”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.