*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes