I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.