pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
You Might Also Like
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
having children is a pyramid scheme.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers