Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
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#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.