guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Holy moly
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.