“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You Might Also Like
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.