got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”