Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
This was a bad idea all around
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The prophecy is fulfilled
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”