A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.