This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
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(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
what’s really going on
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
he looks great for his age
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.