Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”